For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
