Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
