i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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