Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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