You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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