in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
