Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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