Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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