I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
