those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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