At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
