shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
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How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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