We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
