The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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