I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
