Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm too high and old for this...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
