I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
