My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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