The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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