It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
