I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize