The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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