I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
