My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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