those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
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dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
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At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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