we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
