all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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