I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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