I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
