remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
