I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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