Don't make out with my wife yet
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize
