He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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