sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's not a walk of shame if you run
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
