I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
