i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
