if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Pooping to opera.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
