There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
