It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
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The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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