I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
