I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
