Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
