The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
