I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
