When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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