if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
