cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
