2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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