Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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