just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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