Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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