She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
