Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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