We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
