I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
