Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
